Was my mother told it was selfish to keep me?

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Was my mother told it was selfish to keep me, that a loving family would give me all the things she couldnt?

Sexually abused, intimidated, threatened by a brother from ages 6 to 12, by my father from 10 to 17. Worse was the relentless, insidious psychological abuse both facilitated, and perpetrated by my mother.

Earliest memories are being told mummy doesnt love naughty girls - you are a naughty girl.

Isolation, threats, blame, disapproval.Never touched except to be punished or abused.I learnt to feel nothing, say nothing.
That I was a separate person with my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs was ignored. Never allowed to make decisions for myself, my mother decided what I liked, disliked, what I thought, how I felt. If I disagreed I was punished in a covert way - something spiteful would happen. I rarely knew what I had done wrong. Told it wasnt necessary for me to have friends because I had brothers. Told nobody would ever want to be my friend.

My mothers parting words when I started nursing - I was no good with people better to work in a laboratory so I wouldnt have to interact with anyone.

Never taught anything, I was somehow just expected to know. Ridiculed or berated if I made a mistake, told to find out for myself if I asked how to do something. I learnt never to ask, never to try rather than risk making a mistake.

By age 7 I knew I would be useless as an adult because I wouldnt know how to do anything. I was baffled how people knew things.

 

When I had children I realised parents socialise their children and teach them life skills. Thats how they know.

Its hard to undo lessons deeply ingrained throughout childhood