As I sit here putting my story together from stuff I have written over the years and the thoughts that crowd my mind, I come to understand to a certain extent my grieving never stops. According to Helen Kubler Ross there are five main stages grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. For years and years I have been in DENIAL and have been unable, or not allowed myself to examine in too much depth or to experience the ANGER that has constantly bubbled beneath the surface for the last 44 years. I have felt so isolated at times from those around me though I have appeared to function so well that many will not understand how I felt this way. I do remember BARGAINING with God when I was in the Home to make it all a dream!!! DEPRESSION obviously started well before the birth of my daughter and was no doubt compounded by the prayers I was instructed to join in as I was stitched from the tearing and my breasts then bound in calico. Because no one ever talks about your child for many years you feel isolated and because of the social mores and those of Catholicism you have no sense of self-worth and the shame you carry is buried deep within your soul. To this end I have to ask will ACCCEPTANCE ever come.
Like an iced cake that hasn't been sliced into, the icing remains and a fear that if I slice into MY cake it will explode in my face.