Losing My Daughter (part 4)

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Losing My Daughter
Page 4 of 18

When I was about six months pregnant, my father’s girlfriend came to see me in my room. She asked me was I pregnant. I said I was not. She said that the Matron from the girl’s hostel had told my Father because she was concerned about me. My father’s girlfriend said she was relieved that I was not pregnant as my father was sitting in his car and had been drinking and ready to kill me if I was pregnant.

A few weeks later, my boss at work asked me if I was pregnant. I really could not deny it so I said yes. She said I would have to leave within a couple of weeks as she could not hide it from her bosses and she would get into trouble. I thanked her and asked her not to tell my father. She gave me her word and I left the factory about two weeks later. The woman did not tell my father about my pregnancy, but she told him that I was no longer working there. I think they must have run into each other somewhere and this had come to light somehow.

My father’s girlfriend came once again to my room to tell me that my father knew I was not working. She told me that she could get me work where she worked as a waitress at the Wrest Point Hotel in Sandy Bay. She arranged for me to see her boss later that week, and I was hired as a breakfast waitress. I began immediately. The work was hard and I had to be there at six a.m. I worked at Wrest Point until I had six weeks to go before my due date which as the twenty fourth of December. I had seen a doctor once. I was afraid to go to see one in case I was taken back to Mount Saint Canice.

One of the girls who had left to moved into the apartment earlier that year had conceived a baby and had since married. She had visited me in my room and I had told her I was pregnant as well. She was concerned for me and asked me to come to her clinic to be examined. It was a grueling process for me, as I had not shown my body at this level to living soul previous to this. The doctor told me my due date and asked me to come back, I didn’t go back. I was terrified. I recall not being able to associate my very pregnant stomach to a baby. I have since been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so it is likely that I was continuing to apply filters over my experiences and to dissociate as I had been doing for many years when I had to face terror.

When I had six weeks to go before my due date I knew I could not work any longer. I was struggling to take two girdles off after work each day, and laying in agony as I did so. I asked to talk to my father’s girl friend after work and as we sat having a cup of tea at work I told her. She said she was not surprised and that she would tell my father for me. She advised me to give my notice at work. She saw that my ankles were swollen and she told me I needed to rest. She had seven children of her own so I took it that she would know.

 

Losing My Daughter continued.