Husband of a women who experienced a forced adoption in 1983

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I fell in love with my wife the first time I met her – even though she didn’t know this at the time.
Once my pregnant future wife had been abandoned by the father I persuaded her to take his room in my home & she became my lodger. I knew that she had initially contacted a Catholic Adoption agency, upon advice from her parish priest, and I knew that she was regularly meeting with two agency social workers. After a while we became more than friends. Try as hard as I can to convince myself to the contrary, I believe ultimately I took advantage of her at her most vulnerable, when she was grateful to have someone who appeared to care for her.
As her pregnancy progressed I believe, in hindsight, that I knew that she was becoming increasingly disturbed at the thought of going through with the adoption, and that she was desperate for alternatives. I remember her being very upset after her meetings with the social workers, and some years later realised that she had changed her mind and that her daughter was ‘removed’ illegally.
But the very sad thing is that we never discussed the issue together, and it was never suggested to either of us, by the social workers, that there were alternatives.
I was a coward & selfish. I knew that my future wife did not want to give up her child for adoption, but for me the easy solution was to ‘let her go through with it’. It was much easier for me, with no embarrassment for my parents etc etc. And the social workers were telling my future wife that “it was the best solution for everyone concerned” … for her child, for her, for the adopters and for the adopters other child (and no doubt for the adoption agency). And my future wife never sat down with me and said “will you still love me if I keep my child – as I don’t believe I can go through with it”?
If she had asked that at the time … who knows … perhaps the coward in me would have won? But what if the social workers had sat me down & said “you do realise that your wife will never ever get over this adoption, and that it will most likely impact you both for the rest of your lives … perhaps you should forget about what everyone else might think … as this will only last for a short time. If you truly love this woman tell her not to through with the adoption, and marry her anyway!”
Alas, THEY NEVER DID. Infact, even though I was used, by both the adoption agency & the Guardian Ad Litem, as one of the main reason for the final adoption to be completed, I was never one ‘interviewed’ or given any counselling.
That was all 32 years ago. I have been married to my beautiful wife for almost 31 years and we have 5 adult children. I love her more today than I ever have. But not a day goes by that the events of 1983 do not haunt us.
I now realise that her daughter should never have been removed. Even if I had walked away, my wife & her daughter ‘would have been OK’, and that neither of them would have been through the torture they have.

 

Adoption is not a good thing, for anyone concerned. The trauma of what occurred 32 years ago still constantly impacts all concerned. The catholic adoption agency should be ashamed of how they conducted themselves & took advantage of all concerned

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