Disgraced

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My mother fell pregnant out of wedlock in 1968. Her mum said she was a disgrace to the family. Mum was sent to the unmarried mothers home "The Haven" run by The Salvation Army. Her mum told her that if she didn't adopt me out that she would be disowned by her family. My mum couldnt understand her mothers lack of compassion & anger.

At The Haven she was slaved thru her pregnancy. She had to do chores carrying heavy buckets of water up & down stairs & scrubbing with cleaning chemicals even whilst her belly was heavy & out in front of her. She wanted to keep me so badly. She cried a lot & suffered severe depression whilst staff at The Haven said it was best that I be adopted into a loving family who could provide for me in ways that she couldnt be able to. They echoed her mothers words how no man would want her whilst she had the child of another man who would be an unnecessary burden. They told her how terrible she was having sex outside of marriage, but adoption would set it right. How she'd be doing a good thing providing a much wanted baby to those who could not have one of their own. My mother tried to tell them how she did not have sex outside of marriage willingly. She'd been raped but no one encouraged her to report it & she was also too afraid to. The staff had told her that being a baby of rape it made it even more important to adopt me out. All their programming/words never lessened my mothers desires to keep me or stop my mothers tears.

A couple of times her and a room mate ran away. They managed to climb out of a 2nd story window both with their bellies heavy. My mother used to say that she was not sure how they did this without falling & used to laugh. The only happier moments. They would go window shopping & sneak back into The Haven somehow unnoticed.

At one stage her room mate had told her how she had heard of babies births coming early from drinking castor oil & having very hot baths. They were heavily pregnant, over worked, it was the peak of summer & it had been very hot.
Tired of having to endure The Haven & pregnancy they managed to get bottles of castor oil which they gagged down. It tasted horrible!
Mum was caught having the castor oil & bath and was told off by the matron who asked her "What are you trying to do, damage the baby"!
A day later my mother was having severe stomach cramps & thinking she was in labour they sent her to the hospital.
After spending time at the hospital she began to feel better, they knew then it had been a false alarm.

My mum was scrubbing floors when her waters broke. She was made to get her suitcase & then struggle with it down stairs whilst in pain, she had no offers of help.
They made her wait outside alone in the dark for a taxi to hospital & slammed the door in her face!
She was shocked as well as frightened.
She was not even allowed to see me.
My name was misspelt and they left afterbirth in Mum that could had killed her.
Mum & I suffered rifts growing up.

 

My mother got me back at 4mths old. I was a very quiet baby, but had behavioural & learning problems in childhood. They never undid their programming on Mum & I copped the brunt of her anxiety, sadness & her harrowing story repeatedly as I grew up. I was made to feel bad and at fault.