Ashamed – Part 2 Guilt after the birth

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Before the birth it was ALL ABOUT ME. What am I going to do? If I keep the baby how can I manage? What can I say? What will happen to me? All I had was questions and no answers, so what thoughts or feelings I had I buried so I didn’t have to feel.
After the birth I was faced with the reality of the situation, but still refused to acknowledge that this was happening to me. My mother practically begged me to bring the baby home and said that my father would help with costs. As one of 5 children living with a mother who was emotionally unstable and a father who was emotionally absent I was torn. I desperately wanted to keep my baby but how would I cope. I had spent so much of my teenage years looking after a younger sister and brother. Once again I heard the words of government officials "If you keep the baby you are being selfish as there is nothing you can offer the child and there are so many couples who would be able to give the child everything that you can’t.” The father of the baby also wanted to keep him. I said no. Selfishly I thought, “If I can’t have him, why should he. I left my baby at the hospital and went home to my parents and siblings.
Each day for the next month (it certainly felt like a month) I would walk down to the phone box and call the hospital and ask if the baby had been adopted. I became quite frantic wondering why he was still there as I had been told there were so many couples looking to adopt. My thoughts now became ALL ABOUT MY BABY. I pleaded to know why he was still in the hospital. They said he had a lump on his head, but they didn’t say what it was or what had caused it. I can’t remember what I thought – I just kept going to that phone box every morning to ring the hospital to see if my baby had been adopted. The day I heard “your baby has been adopted” I knew there was no turning back. The guilt then set in. How could I just walk away and leave my baby with strangers?

 

The decision I made 44 years ago would have far-reaching effects, not just for me but for his biological father, my parents (especially my mother) and my siblings. We cannot change history but we can be guided by it for the future.

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  • Ashamed
  • Ashamed – Part 2 Guilt after the birth